Nice Schmice

To entice people to eat, Mom always inserts the word "nice" before the food item she's pushing.

Mom: You want a nice apple? Have a nice apple.
Me: What's so nice about it?

Take my mom, please.

Early 1970s. 

The scene of the crime: The Colony Hill.

Mom and Dad are there to see Henny Youngman perform. But the sound wasn't so great in the auditorium, so they didn't quite get every word. Much like her run in with Joey Bishop, Mom managed to get a few words in with the well-known comic as he was exiting the ballroom.

Mom: "Oh, Hi Henny! Too bad the sound wasn't so great. But don't worry about it -- I know all your jokes.

Henny, taken aback, makes a pointing gesture to my mom and says: "Get her."

And, that was the extent of the relationship my mom had with Mr. Youngman.

Hangin' with One-Fifth of the Rat Pack

1973. 

A long, long time ago, the place to be (and be seen) on Long Island was The Colony Hill. In it's heyday, the Colony booked in some pretty famous headliners, among them Henny Youngman and Joey Bishop.

Mom and Dad apparently dragged me to one such Joey Bishop performance. (What the hell did I know? I was all of 6 months old at the time.) The headliners were known to mingle with the audience after their performances, so naturally, Mom was all over this.

She managed to pull Joey Bishop aside and tell him:

"My daughter fell asleep during your show."

Bishop was taken aback. Picking up on that, Mom quickly did some damage control:

"Oh, she's just a baby!"

It should have ended there. But to add insult to injury, Mom added:

"By the way, say hi to Dean and Frank for me. I love them so much."

Right, like the first thing Bishop was gonna do when he got back to Vegas was make a B-line to Sinatra and Martin and say: "Hey, some lady on Long Island says 'Hi!'"

reditt
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Charlie Swayze and Patrick Sheen

9/12/10.

Dad is forever confusing one actor for another. It's a gift. For instance, just yesterday, he was watching some movie on TV and...

Dad: Hey, isn't that Charlie Sheen?
Me: No, that's Patrick Swayze.
Dad: They look a lot alike.
Me: No, they look nothing alike.
Dad: What are you talking about?
Me: Look, Patrick Swayze looks like Patrick Swayze and Charlie Sheen looks like Charlie Sheen. Case closed.

reditt
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The Unexplained

Anyone who knows me knows I'm a sucker for anything paranormal. If there's a documentary on TV about ghosts, UFOs, yeti -- whatever -- I'm gonna watch it.

One day, I'm watching Supernatural Science on Chiller. The topic? Loch Ness.

Dad comes into the room.

"What's this? [beat] Oh, Loch Ness? Eff that. How many times I've seen pictures of that and been fooled every damn time."

And with that, he departs. No doubt to watch something sensible, like Benny Hill.

That's deep.

One Thanksgiving, we'd all gathered in the living room to digest the big feast. The conversation turned to the war in Iraq. Our relatives shared their opinions and things they'd heard on the nightly news and in various newspapers. All the while, my mom remained silent, taking it all in. Then the conversation stopped momentarily, as conversations do, everyone taking a second or two to ruminate.

Contemplatively, mom breaks the silence with:

"War is hell."

It was delivered in such a matter-of-fact, brass-tax tone, and whether is was right or wrong everyone burst into laughter.

Perez Hilton, Meet Your Competition

9/5/10.

During a conversation, which can be labeled anything but deep, Mom says:

You know, I got some news for Madonna: She looks old now.

To which I responded: Are you going to deliver this news personally?

Junk in the trunk

9/5/10

Dad's sitting in a restaurant, distracted by the Yankees game showing on one of the large TVs hanging above the bar. Contemplative, he says:

"Look at that big ass on Alex Rodriguez. Jeez. He's got the ass of a putan."

[Beat]

"Wait, they all have big asses. Must be the TV."

He then continues to eat his pizza, leaving me to conclude that Mets' fans are more complicated than I originally thought.

That's one way to put it...

Recently, I was complaining to my mom about how my shoulder was sore, especially right near the blade, and how I thought it was due to computer use. Her response?

"You know, you gotta get off that mouse for a while."

Sound advice.

My Baby Goes to Rio...

Last month.

Mom calls me at work.

"Hey, Peter Allen is having that Tent Sale again."

Is he now? That's pretty remarkable, considering how he's dead and all.

BTW: This is what she really meant: Peter Andrews.