Everyone's Got a Little ADD

6/26/11.

Mom tells me:

"There's a show on now about ADD. You should watch it so we can learn more about your father."

My mom and I have always believed that my dad has a mild case of ADD, since his attention span rivals that of a gnat.

As I was in the middle of watching something else, I let her do the reconnaissance. About every few minutes, I'd get updates:

Mom: Actually, he only has a few of these traits. I'm not so sure he has it after all. 

Five minutes later...

Mom [alarmed]: I think I have it.

Note to self: Monitor Mom's TV viewing habits as she's prone to self-diagnosing.

Hello? Is it me you're looking for?

Countless, I repeat, countless times I have had this phone conversation with my mom:

Me: Hey Mom.
Mom: Who's this?
Me: Um, your daughter.
Mom: Oh, Nicole!

For the record, my mom has only one daughter -- and that be moi. You'd think in all this time she'd be able to recognize my voice over the phone.

40 Winks

Mom is known to fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Though she'll deny it up and down, she is -- undoubtedly -- a very sleepy person. Usually, by 7 or 8pm -- she's out like a light on the living room couch. Then, inevitably, she always wakes up five or so minutes before the program she intended to watch ends.

It's at this point Dad will observe:

"She can sleep anywhere. She could sleep upside down, in a tree, like a bat."

I don't disagree with him.

I could have danced all night...

12/20/10.

I don't know how I end up in conversations like this one, but they happen all too frequently. You know, like seeing a terrible movie and wishing you could get that money and time back.

Mom: I'd always wished I could have danced with Fred Astaire. But what chance did I have?

Me: I'm sure a lot of women wished the same thing. [beat] He didn't have many partners, though, did he?

Mom: A few. [beat] He ended up marrying a young one.

Dad: I saw her. She was uggggggly.

Mom: You never saw her.

Dad: I did. I remember it distinctly on the Edward R. Murrow show.

Mom [rolling eyes]: You stay in your dreamland and I'll stay in mine.

It's times like these I never know who to believe. Blissful ignorance is often preferred to the amount of time and energy it would take to determine the accuracy of any of these statements.

It's just another manic Monday...

2/14/11.

On the phone with Mom:

Me: Ugh, I hate Mondays.
Mom: Eh, screw it -- make believe it's Tuesday.

Well, that's one way of coping, yes. But, if you subscribe to this philosophy, you're going to be pretty pissed off when you get to Thursday and think it's Friday. But I suspect Mom, just trying to be helpful and supportive, didn't think that far ahead.

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Trouble in Paradise

Overheard from the living room:

Dad to Mom: You changed the way I think. It took 52 years, but you did it!

Now, if that's not a testament to the joys of marriage, I don't know what is.

When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.

6/10/11.

Watching TV with Dad. A commercial for Mike's Hard Lemonade comes on.

Me: You ever try that?
Dad [not paying attention]: What?
Me: Mike's Hard Lemonade.
Dad: Mike Todd?
Me [laughing]: No.
Dad: Oh, MIKE'S HARD Lemonade. No. 

I imagine Mike Todd's Lemonade would be a completely different experience.