Well, ain't that a son of a bitch?

All these years, I thought I was born at 10:20am. Today my mom informs me I was actually born at 10:32. 

Guess that makes me 12 minutes younger.

There's no business like show business

My mom watches Turner Classic Movies like other people watch the nightly news or soap operas. It's probably the only channel number she has memorized. Chalk it up to nostalgia.

Sometimes, I'll get a voice mail. The caller will stay on the line for a few seconds, say nothing...then hang up.

I know it's my mom because I can hear the unmistakable overly dramatic soundtrack of say "Laura" or "Double Indemnity" playing loudly in the background.

He's a regular Emeril Lagasse

Somewhat frantic phone call from dad, went like this:

Dad: "You know those round things you make food on?"
Me: "... plates?"
Dad: "No -- you know... Pepperidge Farm makes them."
Me: "Are you talking about the Deli Flats?"
Dad: "Yeah, yeah. Don't eat them. They're green molded."

What mystifies me about this whole conversation was that he remembered the brand "Pepperidge Farm," but not the word "bread."

Wow.

Take two of these, and call me in the morning.

Complaining about my allergies to mom...

Me: I've tried everything.
Mom: That pill from your doctor?
Me: Yep.
Mom: Your nose spray?
Me: Yep.
Mom: [beat] Isn't there anything else you can sniff up?

I think that would cause an entirely new problem.

...and to all a good night.

My dad has many pre-bedtime rituals. One of them includes announcing:

Dad: "I'm going to lay myself flat."

I've never heard anyone else say this, nor do I know why he feels the need to state it this way -- but he's never varied the phrase. It's never: "I'm gonna curl myself up in a ball" or "Hit the sheets." Nope. It's ALWAYS "I'm going to lay myself flat."

Ponderous.

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I do, Muumuu?

What is it about Italian women of a certain age and muumuus? (For those of you who may be unfamiliar with the unflattering and seriously questionable fashion choice, click here.)

My mom has owned some form of muumuu for as long as I can remember. These garments generally surface as warm weather approaches, but are known to make random appearances throughout the year.

One recent shopping spree took us to a local flea market.

Mom: "Oh, good. I can get a new muumuu."
Me: "You know, just because you're Italian doesn't mean you have to wear the uniform."
Mom: "I like them. They're so soft and comfortable."
Me: "...and extremely flammable."
Mom: "I don't smoke."
Me: "Yeah, but you cook."

[silence]

Mom: "They're cheap and I'm getting one."
Me: "Why do they have such loud, ugly prints? Can't you find a solid one?"
Mom: "What do you care? You're not wearing it."
Me: "Yeah, but I gotta look at it -- and that's worse."
Mom: [beat] "They only come in prints."
Me: "Fine, but I'm helping you pick one out."

So, I found one that was the least hideous on the eyes: A lilac-and-white polka-dotted number for a whopping 13 bucks -- eight dollars extra than the variety of disastrous ones she could have purchased.

The entire ride home was about that eight dollars. It's not that mom's cheap -- she just likes a good deal. And, I guess she's right -- no one should have to pay more than $5 for something that friggin' ugly.

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Sleeping Beauty

Under normal circumstances, when someone takes a nap they tend to wake up refreshed and well-rested. Not mom. If she sleeps a smidge more than an average nap, she wakes up grumpy.

After one such nap, she lumbered into the living room and hunkered down into a side chair -- with a totally disgusted look on her face.

Mom: "That little nap I took put me in a mood."

Hand to God, that's what she said.

She may not look the type...

5/30/10.

Mom may not look the type, and she'll deny it if pressed to confess, but she has a mouth like a sailor who just pulled into port.

Case in point...

Memorial Day Weekend. Coming back from an outdoor fair, mom notices the roads are virtually free of cars.

Mom: Isn't it nice when it's like this? [beat] 'Cause all the bastards are nowhere to be found.

But, you have to read "bastards" as "bear-steads." It's so much more colorful and expressive in her New York accent.