You say potayto, I say potahto...

2/16/10.

Mom likes to reminisce. Oh, about anything. I'm not even sure what brought this particular memory to mind, frankly. But it went like this:

Mom: Nicole, do you remember when we lived on Red Maple? There were those two little girls you were friends with and when they moved they left a lot of dolls that we ended up taking.
Me: Yeah, lots of vintage knock-off Barbies.
Mom: Right. And then they went to live in the caboose.
Me: What? [beat] They lived on a train? What?
Mom: No, they moved to Israel...
Me: Kibbutz! Not "caboose."
Mom: Right. 

Right. That's what she said.

Venus

My dad has false teeth. At night, he takes them out. His pronunciation isn't too great without his teeth in. Vs sounds like Ps, depending on the word he's trying to say.  And, so on...

One night, years ago, my dad had come in from putting out the trash and remarked:

"Gee, Penis sure is bright tonight."

Naturally, my mom and I giggled and said: "WHAT?"

Dad: "Penis! The planet. It's bright tonight."
Me: "Oh!!! VENUS. Venus is bright tonight."

I assure you, much laughter ensued.

She's here, get used to it.

There's a little strip mall in Massapequa that has a very nondescript "storefront." There's no real window to speak of and the sign above the door reads simply: Blanche.

My mother liked to get scratch-off lottos from a stationery store in this strip mall and occasionally I would drive her and wait outside in the car while she got her gamble on.

On one such occasion, I took a good look at this "store," Blanche. I started thinking, "What could this be?" There was no visible advertisement to clue me in, so I went down the nefarious route. By the time my mom got back to the car, I was convinced Blanche was a massage parlor.

Me: Mom, that storefront ain't right.
Mom: Yeah, it is odd, isn't it?
Me: I think something fishy is going on in there. You should go in and see what that's all about.

Before you think I was sending my mother into harm's way, you have to know one thing about her: If there's business you need done, Mom's your gal. If something's sketchy -- she's gonna get to the bottom of it and she's gonna report it to the proper authorities. In other words, Mom's got balls. Genetically, these balls were not passed on to me. I am, as they say, ball-less.

Mom: I'll go in. I don't care.
Me: Go ahead. I'm curious as to what's going on in there.
Mom: OK.
Me: No, wait. I dunno. Maybe it's better you don't.
Mom: Why?
Me: It looks too suspicious. Let's ask around first.
Mom: OK.

Months later, I was driving a friend and long-time resident of Massapequa home. We passed by the strip mall and Blanche's was "open for business."

Me: Just what the hell is that place anyway?
Friend: Oh, that? It's a gay bar.
Me: OH, MY GOD. I almost sent my mom in there to find out what kind of place that was.
Friend: Awk-ward.

In hindsight, I shoulda sent her in. Mom's always been pro-gay rights, so she probably would have just sat down at the bar and made a few new friends. Viva la Blanche's!

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday...

Mom calls me one day and leaves a message on my voice mail at work. Prior to which, apparently, there was some back and forth about about their lunch plans -- which happens quite a bit.

It generally takes a lot of things to happen first for actual, solid plans to go off without a hitch. First, my mom has to mention the idea. Then my dad has to refuse. Then my mom tries good old-fashioned Italian guilt, to which he seems to think he's impervious. Then, an hour or so later, he comes around and submits to the idea and they end up going. It's rather exhausting to watch, frankly.

So, the voice mail message went like this:

Mom: "Hi Nicole, it's Ma. I just want to let you know if you call and we're not home that we went to Ruby Tuesdays."
Dad [in background]: "Nooooo. We're not going there."
Mom: "Oh, we're not?"
Dad [in background]: "No, I'm not a rubber band."
Mom: "OK. I guess we're not going then. Talk to you later. Bye."

Long story short: They went to Ruby Tuesdays that day. And, as mom says, "the little hamburgers were delicious."

FYI: "Little Hamburgers" = Sliders

Where Could I Be?

January 2010. 
Voice Mail from Mom.

"Hi. Nicole? It's Ma. Are you not working at your desk or something? OK, well. Call me back."

I guess she thinks I'm chained to my desk for 8-plus hours every week day.

Award Season

Since we're officially in the throws of Award Show Season, it's only fitting I should share some of my mom's Red Carpet Comments.

In response to any celebrity who shows up to an award show gala wearing a dress that is extremely low-cut and revealing:

"Oh, look. She brought her two friends."

In response to a celeb who's wearing a very short dress or a decidedly risky neckline:

"She forgot the other half of her dress."

Whenever -- and I mean whenever -- she sees Guiliana DePandi-Rancic on E! she will say:

"Something about her face bothers me."

One time, she went even further to say:

"I saw her on that dumb show she has with her husband and she said to him: 'When we have kids, I hope they look like you, cause you're cuter than me.' And she's right -- I hope they look like him."

As you can guess, watching the Red Carpet with mom is always a good time. ;)

So thoughtful...

Whenever someone bumps into something or hurts themselves in a very minor way and exclaims briefly in pain, my dad will always follow the incident up with:

"I didn't feel a thing."