The Wizard of Weird

Today.

For some reason, I was talking with my mom about how I had to miss a Tori Amos concert because I had to recover from surgery. To relate, and make me feel better, she said:

"Oh, I know how you feel; I missed Judy Garland because my dress was too tight."

Feel free to ponder, discuss and ruminate. I sure am.

Well-meant advice

Countless times, and for many reasons, my mother has told me to:

"Watch my ass."

The meaning of this: To be careful.

Of course, if I watched my ass, there's no telling what amount of trouble I'd get into. But, God love her, she means well.

Keeping Up with the Kominskys

3/30/10.

Watching TV with dad. A commercial comes on featuring two or three women in their mid-20s with long, dark hair.

Dad: Hey, are those the Kominskys?
Me: Who?
Dad: The Kominsikys...you know...
Me: Dad, do you mean the Kardashians?
Dad: Yeah! Yeah...
Me: No, that's not the Kardashians. And, why do you even care if they were?

I never got a straight answer. Suffice to say, Keeping Up with the Kominskys would be a very different show.

Wolf Blitzer in Residence

My dad is rarely seen without a newspaper tucked under his arm. He thinks the Internet is stupid and tolerates TV as a news source, but overall prefers the good old-fashioned daily newspaper as his main go-to for information.

Someone will walk into the room my dad is sitting in, reading said newspaper, and be treated to a recitation of that day's events--whether they like it or not. I know I'm in for it when I hear:

Dad: Do you believe this?

or

Dad: Would ya get a load of this?

He'll do the same thing when he's watching TV and someone walks in:

Dad: Can you believe this?
Me: How can I, when I don't know what THIS is? 

Handling Telemarketers 101

I'm sure you've been on the line with a telemarketer and ended being strong-armed into a lengthy conversation you just can't seem to get out of. It's an unfortunate fact of life. Well, fret not, there are ways to combat the pesky telemarketer.

For instance: Take this tip from my mom the next time you should find yourself in such a situation:

Mom: Hello?
Telemarketer: Yes, can I speak to Harry D _________?
Mom: Who's this?
Telemarketer: This is Blank from Blanky Blank.
Mom: Oh, he's not home right now.
Telemarketer: When is a better time for me to reach him?
Mom: Oh, I don't know. I'm just here to take care of the cats.

Click.

Completely Stuffed

Conversations with mom and dad are often of the "fill in the blank" variety. Case in point:

Mom: Did I tell you so-and-so went to NYC to see the stuffed people?
Me: The stuffed people? What on earth are you talking about?
Mom: You know, the stuffed people that look like famous people...
Me: Mom, do you mean Madame Tussauds Wax Museum?
Mom: Yeah... Yeah. 

And, just today, this one with dad:

Dad: So now we won't be able to see the show with what's his name.
Me: Who?
Dad: The guy who interviews people.
Me: Dad...
Dad: You know, what's his name. The comedian.
Me: Bill Maher?
Dad: Yeah!

It scares me more than just a little that I knew who he was talking about with just a single guess.

You gotta be in it, to win it.

One night, I overheard Mom and Pop arguing over the lottery drawing. It went like this:

Dad: Lemme write down the numbers quick!
Mom: Oooh, Harry! Get a pen!
Announcer on TV: Tonight's winning lotto numbers are 11...
Mom: 11. Did you get that?
Dad: Yeah, shh...
Announcer: 19...
Mom: 19.
Dad: Shh!
Announcer: 25...
Mom: 25.
Dad: Jesus, Jo! Would ya be quiet? I'm trying to write down the numbers!
Mom: I'm helping!
Dad: You're not helping! I can hardly hear what the woman on TV is saying!
Mom: Oh, fine. [beat] Didja get 'em all?
Dad: Yeaaaaaahhhhh